worn-out and wrong shoes! No wonder why you can’t climb wall with these. Dismayed and happy at same time.

Happy for finding some excuses for my failure to conquer the wall.

RIP Amy!

I know you are scared, scared of losing me.
But fear fuels fear,
slowly blinding conscience
alienating you further away into dark, deep crevasse

your green and purple judgement,
born out of Hade’s land
slowly sucking
sunshine, flowers, dreams.

Makes me wonder and question love
someone whispers, love aint here anymore
look around afraid, afraid of meeting reality
Reality, you  missed me, didn’t you?

Show is over, close the story book.

I wonder whether IHT could make it’s market in the country or not. Probably it’s published only few hundreds (all right lets just say thousands, happy?) copies targeting diplomatic missions and elites. One more reason to brag probably

Like me, he too, was searching for the words. I scanned my whole brain still couldn’t come up with any. And when it did, either they were awkward, silly or offending ones. After all there was nothing left except those broken dreams that we thought were ours or those ruined memories we thought we would cherish or shattered hopes we thought we would build someday . I just wanted to show him that I had no bitterness remained for what happened. Probably he too was trying to do same.

Quietly yet hurriedly I finished my tea. Probably i didn’t want to hear him or just got tired of trying to speak, I gulped down the hot tea that burned my palate and rushed towards my stomach, bringing sense of fire somewhere down. I stood up, took out few hundreds, left at the table ignoring his protest. I ran out of there, as fast as my legs could take me. I ran away from my past, from my misery fearing they would try to make their way towards me, yet again.

It was pouring outside but I stepped out. For the first time, i smelled the earth. ‘When was the last time i felt so?’ I asked myself looking for lost answers. Raindrops slowly fell over me, drop by drop, soaking me, washing away my guilt, washing away my pains. ‘Aah, monsoon!’ I exclaimed much to annoyance of passerby who wanted to rush somewhere he could hide from the downpour. No, I didn’t look back but still I could see him staring wildly at me, slowly he just shrank to nothingness.

When the rain stopped finally, i could see water drops falling down from leaves of a new young plant. It has braved the monsoon dreaming to be big-trunk tree someday. On the television, news reader was describing determination of people to rebuild their washed-away lives and asking viewers to support.

New cycle of life has begun, at last.

तराईको तातो घाम अनि उखरमाउलो गर्मी । तापक्रम कति थियो खै मलाई थाहा भएन तर पसिनाको धारामा म निथुक्र थिएँ । पत्रकारहरुसँग केही गफ गर्नु थियो मलाई उनीहरुको केही समस्या बुझ्नु थियो ।

गफ सकिसकेपछि उनी बसिरहे । निकै थकित देखिन्थे अघि गफमा पनि कम बोलेका थिए । मलाई लाग्यो सायद खुल्न चाहदैनन् वा कामबाट निकै थाकेर आएका हुनाले बोल्न मन नलागेको होला । सबै विदा भएर गइसकेका थिए बाँकी थियौँ ऊ म र मेरो एक सहकर्मी । उनको अवस्था देखेर फेरी एकपटक पानी पिउनको लागि आग्रह गरेँ । पानी पिए मज्जाले अनि विस्तारै बोल्न थाले सुरु परिचय बाट भयो अनि आफ्ना कुरा बोल्न थाले । कुनै समय उनी एक निजी बैँकमा काम गर्थे । महिनाको तलब राम्रै थियो । भर्खर २ वर्षको लागि बैँकसँग करार गरेका थिए र महिनाको तलब २० हजार सम्म हुने कुरा बैँकले बताईसकेको थियो । उनी खुशी थिए स्नातकमा लेखा (accounting) पढेको काम लागेको थियो । तर त्यही बेलामा उनको दाईको हत्या भयो । पत्रकार भएकै कारण र समाचार लेखेकै कारण उनको दाईले ज्यान गुमाउनुपरेको थियो । अपहरणमा परेको हप्तौ पछि उनको शव आयो । दाईको हत्या भएपछि उनले बैँकको जागिर छोडे आफ्ना सपनालाई चटक्क विसे्र र लागे पत्रकारिता पेशामा । उनको अब एउटै उद्धेश्य थियो: आफ्नो दाईको इज्जत र नामलाई अघि बढाउने ।

उनलाई निकै गाह्रो भयो रे सुरुका दिनहरुमा । समाचार लेख्न आउँदैन थियो घण्टौँ सम्म लेख्थे फेरी काट्थे अनि फेरी लेख्थे । कहिलेकाही निकै रुन मन लाग्थ्यो, के गरौँ कसो गरौँ हुन्थ्यो तर पनि लेख्न छोडेनन् । न उनीसँग पत्रकारिताको कुनै अनुभव थियो न त कहिले पढेका नै थिए न कुनै तालीम लिएका नै थिए । तर पनि हार खाएनन् उनले, लेखिरहे र लेखिरहे । जब मन अलि खुशी हुन्थ्यो आफ्नो लेखाईमा उनी हतार हतार आफ्नो समाचार पठाउथे काठमाण्डौँको एक टेलिभिजन च्यानलमा जहाँ कुनै जमानामा उनका दाई काम गर्थे । एकदमै मनलगाएर समाचार पठाउथेँ  कहिलेकाही महिनामा ४५ वटासम्म समाचार ।

एक्कासी मलिन अनुहार र भिजेका आँखाले म तिर हेर्दै उनले भनेः “अहिले मलाई यो पेशा घाँडो भएको छ । न दाईको सपना छोडेर यो पेशा त्याग्न सक्छु न त यो पेशामा अडिरहन मन छ ।”  आफ्नो व्यागबाट कापी कलम क्यामेरा माइक निकालेर मेरो अघि फाल्दै उनले भने “मलाई के दिएको छ मेरो मिडिया हाउसले ? खाली यी यो नोटकपी, यो माइक र यो पत्रकारको ज्याकेट दिएको छ । तलब नदिएको ८ महिना भयो । यो क्यामेराको ६५ हजार पर्छ । कतै घटना घट्यो भने पहिलो हुनुपर्छ समाचार दिनलाई ताकि टेलिभिजनले पहिला फ्ल्यास गरोस् । पहिलो हुन नसके कारवाही भोग्नुपर्छ । समाचार संकलन गर्नलाई गाडी वा बाइक चाहियो, पेट्रोल चाहियो क्यामेरा मात्र भएर पनि हुन्न टेप पनि चाहियो । म एउटा समाचार संकलन गर्न १ हजार खर्च गरेर जान्छु समाचार ल्याउँछु बदलामा मलाई टेलिभिजनले एउटा समाचारको भिज्वल सहित ४०० दिन्छु भन्छ तर नदिएको महिनौ भइसक्यो । यसरी मैले दिलोज्यान दिएर काम गर्दा पनि कारवाहीको धम्की भोग्नुपर्छ । दिक्क लाग्छ ।”

उनको यो कुराले मलाई मेरा एक साथीले भनेको कुरा याद दिलायो । उनले भनेका थिए “हामी पत्रकार अरुको दुःखको पिडाको खबर बनाउँछौ र अवस्था सुधार्नका लागि दवाव दिन्छौ । आवाज विहिनहरुका आवाज बन्छौँ तर हाम्रो आवाज बन्ने आवाज चाहि कहाँ होला ? कसले हाम्रो पिडाको बारेमा बोलिदिने होला ।”

यस्तो अवस्थामा पनि उनी आफ्नो संस्था छोड्न चाहदैनन् किनकी दाईको भावना जोडिएको छ त्यो संस्थामा । अन्य संस्थाबाट अवसरका अफर नआएका होइनन् तर उनी दाईले आफ्नो ज्यान दिएको संस्थाका लागि नै काम गर्न चाहन्छन् । यसरी दाईभाई दुवैले माया गरेका संस्था भने निकै अचम्मको संस्था रहेछ । भाईलाई तलब नदिएको ८ महिना भयो तर समाचारकै कारण हत्या गरिएका दाईको पनि २२ हजार दिन बाँकी रहेछ । अर्को संस्थाले पनि उनको दाईलाई २७ हजार दिन बाँकी रहेछ । कयौँ पटक गुहार गरे अनुनय विन्ती गरे तर अहँ संस्थासँग पैसा नभएर हो कि उनको पिडालाई बुझ्न नसकेर हो सहयोग त परै जाओस् दाईले गरेको मिहेनतको कमाई पनि पाएका छैनन् । म तिर रसिलो आँखाले हेर्दै भने “कहिले काही मलाई एकदमै पछुतो लाग्छ । घरखर्च चलाउन सकिरहेको छैन, के खाउँ के लाउँ हुने अवस्था आउन लागिसक्यो । फेरी समाचार लेखेकै कारण कति धम्की खप्नुपर्छ । भन्छन् दाईको जस्तै अवस्थामा जान मन छ । ३ ४ दिनसम्म दिमाख पनि चल्दैन । आफ्नै अघि दाईको हत्याराहरु छाती फुलाएर हिँडेको देख्छु, खोइ प्रशासनले मलाई न्याय दिन सकेको छैन ? डर लाग्छ मलाई पनि त्यस्तै गरे परिवारका बाँकी सदस्यहरुको हालत के होला ? तर फेरी मन सम्हालिन्छ दाईले गर्नुभएको त्याग सम्झिन्छु र ढृढ भएर अघि बढ्छु । दाईको मृत्युमा ठुलो आवाज निकाल्नेहरुले पनि केही सहयोग गरेनन् संस्थाको त कुरै छाडौँ । भतिजलाई आर्मी स्कुलमा भर्ना गराउन प्रधानमन्त्री देखि रक्षा मन्त्रीसम्म धाएँ । दाईले देशकै फाइदाको लागि समाचार लेख्नुभएको थियो र त्यही कारण ज्यान गुमाउनुभयो । लागेको थियो दाईको योगदानको कदर देशले कुनै न कुनै रुपमा गर्ला । स्कुलमा छात्रबृति दिनका लागि प्रधानमन्त्री र रक्षामन्त्रीले तोक पनि लगाइदिए तर स्कुलले यस्तो व्यवस्था छैन भनेर दिन मानेन । प्रधानमन्त्रीको पनि केही नचल्ने देशमा हाम्रो के चल्ला र भन्ने लाग्यो मन भारी बनाएर फर्के ।”

यति हुँदाहुँदै पनि अहिले आफ्नो भतिजलाई उनले काठमाण्डौमा पत्रकारिता पढ्न पठाएका छन् । उनले भने “बुबाको पदचापमा अघि बढोस् भन्ने मेरो इच्छा छ ।” समस्या कयौँ छन् तर पनि उनलाई विस्वास छ एकदिन यो सबै दुःखले सार्थक परिणाम दिनेछ । समाज परिवर्तनमा उनको सहयोग सबैले देख्नेछन् दाईका हत्यामा संलग्न हुनेहरुले कानुनसम्मत सजाय पाउनेछन् र उनको दाईको आत्माले शान्ति पाउने छ ।

उनी आफ्नो मनको भडास पोख्दै थिए । सायद उनीसँग यसरी मनको पीडा पोख्ने अरु ठाउँ थिएन होला वा मलाई मनको नजिक ठाने । उनको कुरा मेरो रेकर्डरले रेकर्ड गरिरहेको थियो तर उनको आँखाको खस्न लागेको आँसु कहि विसाउन नसकेको मनको पीडा उनको दृढता र विस्वास मेरो रेकर्डरले रेकर्ड गर्न सकेन । मेरो मनको कहि कुनै कुनमा यो सबै रेकर्ड भइरहेको थियो र मलाई भित्रभित्रै एक अनौठो पिडा दिइरहेको थियो ।

उनी गएको निकै पछिसम्म पनि मेरो मनबाट उनी हट्न सकेनन् । पत्रकारिता पेशामा लागेर उनले धेरै कुरा गुमाए । नचाहिने पिडा धम्की र दुःख पाए । तर यसका वावजुद उनी समाज परिवर्तनको यो लहरमा उभीरहेका छन्ः ढृड भएर । उनी जस्तै हामी सबै आफ्नो ठाउँबाट अघि बढे देश किन अघि बढ्न नसक्ला र  मलाई थाहा छ उनको विस्वासले एकदिन अवस्य स्थान पाउनेछ र वास्तविकता बन्ने छ ।

उनी जस्ता पत्रकारलाई सलाम ।

Also published on: Meroreport.net

But does it? Today i lost quiet lot of money (not that much but for me: its dherai nai. Aba Nepali ko kamai herera ta dherai ho ni tyo amount…) Ohh, and to add misery, it was not my money but my sister’s which was supposed to be used for a noble cause: education. Aba j hunu bhai sakyo, umlya dudh ma k tauko dukhaunu (Sigh, good way to console myself.) But with that money i could have gone to Bryan Adams ko concert. Not that i want to go, was wondering myself: bela na kubela k aako hola. young hunda aako bhaye po ramailo hunthyo jun bela sabai bhanda dherai geet uskai suninthyo….aba ahile!! Feri concert ni nahola jasto chha. I was reading news that National Sports Council which own our only stadium asked for ghush meaning bribe for renting out the stadium, and at least 5 sports bodies demanded stadium be not used for concert as it will destroy grass of stadium. Well their point is valid too: Nepal is participating in AFC Challenge Cup and they need ground to practice which do not have all the dhunga and mato matra. Feri aru le bhanne holan, j gare pani harne nai ho kyare… so why to spoil all those ticket holder’s fun? They have valid argument as well.

Relating with concert: I was thinking to get subscription of one National Daily which is giving free tickets to the concert for 2 years of subscription. Then another news hit me: Bryan Adams’s Delhi concert is cancelled due to security. Aba Kathmandu concert pani cancel huna ke ber. Ani ta ghata bhai halyo ni since newspaper won’t return back my money

Since i mentioned how my whole day is ruined. It started from the very morning itself. It was 4 in the morning and I woke up with a loud bang and noises made by my window panes. The first thing that came in my mind was: Shit! earthquake. Without thinking anything, i ran to my mom’s room to wildly ask what’s happening to which my mom calmly answered: thunderbolts. Then another loud bang. One of colleague described how she thought it was a plane crash. Later news said the thunderbolt partly destroyed 300 years old temple at Swayambhu.

I managed to write all these here sitting at my veranda waiting for my mom to come so that i could enter my room. It’s locked and i don’t have keys. This post is definitely dedicated to her.

without giving any warning

I was hit by it.

the misery

I was at so-called festival where you could eat momo as much as you like that too of so many varieties. We had reserved few chairs for our friends and waiting for them to return back with momos. Few people came and asked if the chair was free which weren’t. But there was a smart-ass who didn’t bother to ask. He just pulled the chair and took away – to my utter surprise. He seemed to be educated but too bad he lacked the basic culture of civilization: that is to ask. I hadn’t recovered from my shock, another shock hit me. Famous band Kutumba which plays traditional music was playing on stage. And the crowd just gathered around the stage, standing in front us obstructing our view. Hello, you are allowed to see but not obstruct others. We had to shout but still they either acted or really didn’t hear us and I had to literally poke them to tell them. Later many people again gathered and obstructed. We didn’t have any power left to tell everyone even we were there to see what’s happening at stage.

And one word became legendary at program: Exactly. The male M.C. was so much in love with the word, every time as a counter to female M.C. he began his sentence with exactly. It was like

Girl: this program is sponsored by this, that, this
Boy: Exactly, and we are doing …..
Girl: Hold on people, we have performance by this band…
Boy: Exactly….. Exactly….. exactly….. exactly….

Didn’t count how many times he used that word but it must have easily crossed 100.

The momos were yum. There were 22 varieties of momo and 9 varieties of pickles ranging from momo made from vegetables, chicken, pork, mutton, buff, sweets, fruits and so on. But I felt ticket price were a bit high and thanks to my friend I was misinformed about the event. I was told there are unlimited free soft drinks and free ice-creams (then only I agreed to pay the ticket) but reality was there was only a 250 ml. coke available for free and no ice-creams (you have to pay extra of course) but it included 30 ml of White Mischief vodka. I demand ice-cream now!!!!

Probably I missed to tell in beginning: I was having bad headache, had planned to go home and sleep but I ended up being there. The headache is back and I am trying to sleep!

Every time I open my dashboard, there are spam comments: not just one. Yesterday night I deleted 9 comments and now 2 more. And in past week i must have deleted 20 more. I am tired of this stupid comments that says “Oh I like your blog…nice write ups and gave me new insight” and have link to some sites that claim of penis enlargement or free lottery or god-knows-what.

And seeing such small Baadhi of spams, I check my stats and it’s always same. No, I am not wishing my blog to be popular (probably just a little) and I know very few of you ever read my scribbles (I bet my nephew can write better than I). If no one is reading my blog why those spammer spent their previous time to send me spams?? Or is it automatic? It must be (my tube-light mind which is technologically illiterate thinks so).

Ohh did I tell you I couldn’t make myself finish Black Swan. The movie unfolds with such a power, I know tragedy is coming and I just couldn’t prepare myself to see the horror (well I haven’t completed the movie but I think it will be). Same fear overpowered me while reading Arundhati Roy‘s God of Little Things. I finally managed to finish it and I am glad I did. The book is one of the best book I have read. And I bet Black Swan is also an awesome movie. I have other movies to watch as well and I hope to finish it tonight, review might follow later